34 Weeks

Almost every morning I think to myself "I need to get a blog done today!" but by the end of the day my mind is complete mush and all of my brillant thoughts have disappeared.  So I apologize to my still-unamed-unborn son for not being as diligent as I was with your brother's pregnancy blog.  On the flip side, let's be honest here, I will have two SONS they will probably never even read this blog!

(Jack left- BV2 Right.  Even though I feel huge I'm about the same, just lower.)

So it's been about 8 weeks since my last update and my body is no longer even remotely my own.  I started to get uncomfortable around 30 weeks.  I have been sleeping fairly well (on the nights that Jack sleeps well) but there is definitely a "science" to getting my pillows perfectly positioned.  My heartburn was terrible up until about 30 weeks and I was having a lot of pain in my ribs and sternum but he has since dropped.  Being so low in my pelvis has caused a lot pain in my pubic bone and hips.  Walking long distances is out as is sitting for too long as my sciatic nerve acts up frequently and my once sexy swagger has been replaced by very distinct waddle.  Anytime I change postions I have to pee .  And I have continued to have terrible shortness of breath and dizziness.

On the upside, slow and steady has been the motto in the weight gain department as I am sitting at +18lbs, my skin has never looked better and (while my husband may disagree) my hormones have been pretty even keeled thus far.  Don't get me wrong napping is a beautiful thing but I am REALLY looking forward to the day when I can make it through the day without laying down.  Ah the 3rd trimester exhaustion….

On a side note, I have had the strangest craving during my 3rd trimester….dairy.  I could count on one hand how many times in the last 15 years I have a had a glass of milk.  Nowdays, every morning the first thing I do is drink a huge glass of chocolate milk…ahhh it's so good!  And once or twice a day I will indulge in a bowl or Breyer's Vanilla ice cream with chocolate sauce on top.  Again, I don't think I have ever bought a tub of ice cream unless I was serving it with a dessert for guest.  Cannot get enough dairy!

I FINALLY got the nursery painted!!! And over Labor Day weekend I was able paint and distress the dresser.  This week J will have to seal it and put on the hardware and then we are ready for baby clothes!

We had a little slap of reality yesterday.  Around 2 pm I started to feel strange. I was having a lot of pressure, cramping and contractions coming ever 10 minutes.  I laid down for a few hours and drank some water, thinking I had just over done it.  If anything I became more uncomfortable.  So we went for a nice long walk and fortunately on the way home I started to feel back to normal.  But J and I were a little freaked out for a few hours.  Now I am definitely sensing some urgency to get all loose ends tied up!  This boy will be here in no time…


Lindsey

Bracing For Impact

A girlfriend of mine commented on my last blog post.  She stated that she was sad I wasn't loving pregnancy they way I did with Jack.  Her words made me a little sad and mad at myself.  I am, by nature, pessimistic and sarcastic (not nesccessarily a winning pair of attributes) but her words made me stop and think "Am I putting to much bad juju out into the world?"

My blog, to me, is my outlet.  In life I have a tendency to over share and often forget to put on my filter (again not my most appreciated traits) and the words I share on this blog are no different.  Good, bad or otherwise I let it all hang out…well most of it, some things should remain tucked away in the privacy of my own snarky brain ;)

My instant reaction to her comment was "I'm not NOT loving this pregnancy."  Knock on wood, it's actually been super easy and I actually think my pregnant self is beautiful.  Then I dove deeper into my emotions and realized that I'm not letting myself enjoy being pregnant with BV2.  Why?  Confession time…I. Am. Scared. Shitless.

I am and have been suppressing the reality of our situation almost since day one, even though we made a very conscience decision to get pregnant.  After the initial excitement of finding out we were having another baby had faded, I started to remember how hard it was with Jack.  Eight weeks of a dreadfully colicky baby.  Months and months and months of practically no sleep.  The breakdown of communication and teamwork in my marriage.  I'm crying just thinking of this extremely stressful and trying time.

Life is full of ups and downs but this period was particularly hard for me.  And I am terrified of having to go through it again.  How do I deal with the stress of a newborn while having a very active and strong willed 2 year old?   Everyone says the second time around will be different but I'm not going to place all of my eggs in that basket just yet.  This would be the pessimistic side of me…I feel like I am bracing for impact, mentally preparing for the worst.  And that is the ugly truth.

Odds are this will likely be our last baby therefore my last pregnancy.  This chapter of my life is quickly coming to a close...makes you realize how fleeting life is.  So I know that I should be over the moon about welcoming our new son into our lives but my fear is getting the best of me.

However, I see that it is time for a change of attitude.  Yes, this is going to be hard, I have to accept that BUT we have something new on our side this time around….experience!!!  We found our way to the other side once before, I have to have faith we can do it again.

Lindsey

26 Weeks

(Ok I'm a week behind publishing because yesterday I actually hit 27 weeks, hello 3rd trimester!!!  #lifegetsintheway)

26 weeks and I have accomplished…nothing.  I stopped reading the "baby books" about 10+ weeks ago.  Birthing classes and birth plans, eh whatever will be will be.  The nursery is currently without a dresser, a chewed up crib I was going to fix and has basically become a catchall for random crap.  And baby boy is nameless with no possibilities in sight.

But every week I can feel him getting bigger and bigger.  Gentle nudges are now strong punches and the occasional hand/foot/knee/elbow can be felt sharply pressing against my hand (kind of creeps me out BTW).  He got the hiccups for the first time last night at 4 am.  At first I thought "Awe! I remember when Jack did this!" but 10 minutes later I was just annoyed that it was keeping me awake.

He's in there and he keeps reminding me throughout the day and night and it's a good thing because I would probably forget otherwise!

It just amazes me how the second time around is SO much different than the first.  Overall the bodily experience has been very similar to my pregnancy with Jack.  Heartburn, shortness of breath, hair loss, craving sweets but this time I am so much more tired.  Guessing it has something to do with the two year old I'm chasing around everyday.  But I rest when he naps and life is good.  Other than that, completely different experience.  The excitement of the unknown is lost after the first one.

I've given myself until 31 weeks to remain oblivious to this pregnancy.  At that point the hectic schedule of summer will be dying down and it is go-time for nesting.

So here are the highlight of 26 weeks:
*  Sleeping sucks.  As I tossed and turned the other night J looked at me and said "You always look so uncomfortable." Ya think!  I miss sleeping on my stomach and not having to need a halo of pillows around me.
*  Frequent urination.  This has actually not been a problem until recently.  Last night I got up 3 times :(
*  Dizziness, shortness of breath and dehydration.
*  Up 9lbs…yay.
* Restless leg
* Lots of Braxton Hicks contractions

I know from this point on the one thing I will struggle with the most is that fact that I am now physically limited.  This is very frustrating for me.  The shortness of breath and dizziness (get this, occurs even when I'm just sitting down!) make me feel helpless.  And picking Jack up is really getting difficult, thankfully he's a small fry or else it would be completely out of the question.

I really can't complain too much because I know that it could be so much worse.  I'm not "over" pregnancy yet but I see it looming on the horizon.

Lindsey

22 Weeks Etc.

(This was written before the hospital incident.)

I have recovered from my melodramatics from my last blog.  Honestly, once I put my disappointment out there and allowed myself to be sad, I was able to start getting on board with my new BOY.  And yesterday, I saw two brothers playing together and I got really excited for the first time.

(Left Jack-Right BV2)

I am 22 weeks (almost 23 now) and over the half way hump! We are cruising right along and I told J the other day that October is going to be here in no time.  Now that I am well past the first trimester and have had time to adjust to the changes of pregnancy, I must admit that I am enjoying pregnancy glow.  However, yesterday I had to buy a new bra and was a little shocked (and annoyed) by my new assets!

(Pardon Mr. Crabby Pants, couldn't even bribe a smile out of him.)

I'm up about 5 lbs, starting to look and feel pregnant but I'm still getting around pretty well.  I've been slightly annoyed because my clothing options are very limited (maternity wear is pretty awful) and it kills me to spend money on maternity clothes.  It was much easier to dress up the bump with a winter pregnancy!  Little brother is moving around like crazy and J was finally able to feel him last week :)

Jack's first year of montessori school came to an end in May.  It was sad to say good bye to his teachers and friends however he will be in the same class in the fall but with many new kids.  The exciting part is he will be one of the older kids in class which I think is going to help him be an awesome big brother (FYI- Montessori schools group kids in varying age groups.  He is in the toddler class which is from 18 mths to 3 yrs and next winter he will move up to the primary class which is 3 to 6 yrs.)

This week, we celebrated our one year anniversary in our new home.  Fastest. Year. Ever.  It was one of the most positive decisions that J and I have ever made and every time I drive down the gorgeous, tree lined parkway I smile.  We both are amazed by how much the move from the suburbs to the city has improved our attitudes.  This is exactly where we are suppose to be.

A few weeks ago, we got together with J's brother and family and took the kids on a train ride up in Georgetown.  Little boys LOVED choo choos!

(Talking about "choo choos")

 (Cousins- Jack and Henry aka "Huge cheese-balls!")

And in order to keep ourselves busy this summer, I have signed Jack up for a music class and a Saturday morning soccer class.  Soccer started last weekend and while it's not really "soccer" (let's face it, 2 year olds don't really understand the concept of offense and defense!) it was adorable to watch…and they get to wear uniforms!  It was an interesting glimpse into my future as I'm sure our boys will be some kind of athletes and it sounds silly but it made me feel so old….WOW I'm a Mom ;)

(It's official…I'm a soccer mom!)

Lindsey

Grateful For Today

Yesterday was a day.  It was one of those days when you wake up in the morning you feel well rested and ready to start your day!  But by the time you put your head back on your pillow at the end of the day you think to yourself "WOW…that is not where I saw my day going."

This day began where it seemed like every one I encountered whether it be at the store or on the road   had zero regard for anyone else and gradually it turned my great mood into a sour one.  I then went to pick up Jack where he immediately put a smile back on my face by excitedly shouting to anyone who would listen "My mommy is here, my mommy is here!!!" as I walked up the path.  When we got back to the car, I saw that during said shitty morning out someone had left a huge dig on my passenger door.  Bad mood back.

So I decided that I was going to make this hot, crappy day better by enjoying the simple things in life…like watching my son happily play at a nearby splash park.  The "splash park" is basically a bunch of fountains that come out of the ground that the kids can run through and play in.

He was having so much fun, within minutes he was completely drenched and I was happily watching his pure joy.  There was a class of older kids (8 or 9 years old) there also, running back and forth.  One of them ran into Jack.  He fell but was fine 5 seconds later.  Then I watched as another kid plowed into a different little kid, they both hit the ground hard.  At this point I was annoyed that the teachers weren't supervising better.

I was looking around and watching the unruly kids when suddenly I heard a loud cry.  That cry belonged to me.  It was MY baby.  I sat for a second not knowing exactly what had happened to him and thinking he would bounce back just as he had before.  But he didn't.

I ran through the fountains and scooped him up.  He was hysterical and wouldn't put any weight on his foot.  I instantly though maybe it was broken but nothing looked out of place.   He would not calm down which is extremely unusual for him.  We ran back to the car and I drove home debating if I should swing by the local pediatrician to see if something was broken.  When I asked him what hurt he kept saying his head, this immediately put me on alert.

Five minutes later we were home and he just seemed...off.  I laid him down to change his clothes and he became really still, staring of into space.  I said, "Jack…Jack…Jack. Jack! JACK!!!"and kind of shook him a little bit and his eyes slowly drifted back to mine.  I immediately started to get really nervous.  As the person who knows him best this was not my kid.  I don't consider myself an alarmist  but something was wrong.  I made the snap decision to take him to the ER.  I called J in a panic and told him to meet me at Children's.

That was the scariest drive of my life.  I kept talking to him, trying to engage him.  He was awake but not responding to me.  I had never seen him act like this before and I was in a total panic.  All I could think was, he fell, severally hit his head and something horrible is going inside his head to change his behavior so drastically.

We pulled up to the ER and J was already there.  I told Jack, "Look there's Daddy!" and for the first time I got some kind of reaction out him.  We got him checked in, he found the toys and slowly a glimpse of "normal Jack" returned.  After a two hour wait, besides being tired, he seemed back to normal and I started to feel silly.  We were then moved back to a room, where Jack and I immediately laid down on the bed and he fell asleep within minutes.

Eventually the doctors came in, heard what happened and checked him out.  They concluded that he probably had a mild concussion based on the fact that he had such a drastic personality change but he would be fine.

By this point, I had pretty much deduced this myself but the doctor made me feel so much better when she told me, "If this was my son, I would have brought him in too.  If you hadn't and something bad would have happened, you would never have forgiven yourself."  And she was totally right.  Better safe than sorry, especially when it comes to your kid.

Today, he's totally back to normal and my love and patience seem to be endless.  Yesterday was the reminder that even though we have our good days and our bad days I couldn't go on breathing if anything happened to him and every moment with my son the most beautiful gift I have ever been given.

We laid in bed last night talking about the day's events.  J and I have a good life which we often reflect upon.  We are fortunate but we also realize that nothing in life is guaranteed therefore nothing should ever be taken for granted (as I parent I see how exceedingly true that is).  Sometimes we feel like we "are waiting for the the other shoe to drop."  For a moment, it felt like that was exactly what was happening.  So today I am thankful that yesterday was yesterday, today was today and Jack is Jack.

Lindsey

Confession

I'm going taboo in this post but it's my blog and I'll over share if I want!  I need this outlet...

Flashback about 6 weeks ago…We are at our 12 week ultrasound, I take a leap and ask if they can tell a gender.  I know that this is SUPER early and nothing is guaranteed but when I was pregnant with Jack they said boy and 8 weeks later he was still a boy!  But this time the tech says "I'm 90% sure this is  a girl!"  The tears instantly start flowing and I'm overcome with an emotion I never expected…I was overjoyed to become a mother to a little girl.

I had this weird feeling #2 was going to be a girl and now it was 90% confirmed.  I began imagining this whole new adventure we were going to embark on with our little girl.  We were going to end the "building our family" chapter of life with a little boy and a little girl to share the rest of our lives with.

With all that in mind, fast forward 6 weeks to Wednesday.  You can imagine my utter shock when I could quite clearly see without being told that our little girl was really a little boy.  Going into the appointment I KNEW that there was a good chance, about 50/50, that BV2 could end up being a boy.  I told J on the ride over "I just don't want to feel disappointed.  I don't want to feel that way about my baby."  So when we got back in the car after the appointment and I said "I'm disappointed", I immediately felt ashamed of myself.  I went to Macy's after the appointment to find a "Little Brother" shirt and as I walked through the little girls clothing it took everything I had not to break down into tears.

In the past I couldn't understand when others were disappointed by the gender of their heathy child and now I was that person.  Our son is completely healthy and that it the only thing I should be thinking, instead I feel like a spoiled child who isn't getting what she wants.  Life has thrown me a curveball and I was not prepared.  But the GUILT of having these feelings is actually so much greater than my disappointment and that is what has knocked me of kilter.  I never thought I could feel this way.  I didn't realize having a little girl was SO important to me until a few days ago.

The night we found out, I talked to my sister-in-law (mother of 3 boys) and she went through the same experience with her last pregnancy 9 years ago.  After she heard we were having another boy, she immediately reached out to ask if I was ok with this news. 

She understood.

And the best thing she said to me, that anyone could have said to me, was "It's ok to be sad.  And you have let those emotions out.  In order to move on, you have to grieve."  She wouldn't change a thing now and I know that someday I will feel the same.

The thought did cross my mind that we could have another baby someday but I don't want to "go for a girl".  If ever we decided to have another baby, I would want it to be because we want another baby…girl or boy.  I can't imagine feeling this way again.

Here I sit, 2 days later, feeling better.  I've had time to let it sink in and have a good shower cry.  Just being able to talk about it with J and be honest about my feelings has really helped…I don't internalize my emotions very well!  And last night during bath Jack looked at me and asked "I wrestle little brother?"  which melted my heart and then he proceeded to stand up and fart repeatedly while screaming out "I TOOTED, I TOOTED!!!!"  I was then reminded that boys are a whole lot of fun :) and my heart felt lighter.

IT'S A……..