Confession

I'm going taboo in this post but it's my blog and I'll over share if I want!  I need this outlet...

Flashback about 6 weeks ago…We are at our 12 week ultrasound, I take a leap and ask if they can tell a gender.  I know that this is SUPER early and nothing is guaranteed but when I was pregnant with Jack they said boy and 8 weeks later he was still a boy!  But this time the tech says "I'm 90% sure this is  a girl!"  The tears instantly start flowing and I'm overcome with an emotion I never expected…I was overjoyed to become a mother to a little girl.

I had this weird feeling #2 was going to be a girl and now it was 90% confirmed.  I began imagining this whole new adventure we were going to embark on with our little girl.  We were going to end the "building our family" chapter of life with a little boy and a little girl to share the rest of our lives with.

With all that in mind, fast forward 6 weeks to Wednesday.  You can imagine my utter shock when I could quite clearly see without being told that our little girl was really a little boy.  Going into the appointment I KNEW that there was a good chance, about 50/50, that BV2 could end up being a boy.  I told J on the ride over "I just don't want to feel disappointed.  I don't want to feel that way about my baby."  So when we got back in the car after the appointment and I said "I'm disappointed", I immediately felt ashamed of myself.  I went to Macy's after the appointment to find a "Little Brother" shirt and as I walked through the little girls clothing it took everything I had not to break down into tears.

In the past I couldn't understand when others were disappointed by the gender of their heathy child and now I was that person.  Our son is completely healthy and that it the only thing I should be thinking, instead I feel like a spoiled child who isn't getting what she wants.  Life has thrown me a curveball and I was not prepared.  But the GUILT of having these feelings is actually so much greater than my disappointment and that is what has knocked me of kilter.  I never thought I could feel this way.  I didn't realize having a little girl was SO important to me until a few days ago.

The night we found out, I talked to my sister-in-law (mother of 3 boys) and she went through the same experience with her last pregnancy 9 years ago.  After she heard we were having another boy, she immediately reached out to ask if I was ok with this news. 

She understood.

And the best thing she said to me, that anyone could have said to me, was "It's ok to be sad.  And you have let those emotions out.  In order to move on, you have to grieve."  She wouldn't change a thing now and I know that someday I will feel the same.

The thought did cross my mind that we could have another baby someday but I don't want to "go for a girl".  If ever we decided to have another baby, I would want it to be because we want another baby…girl or boy.  I can't imagine feeling this way again.

Here I sit, 2 days later, feeling better.  I've had time to let it sink in and have a good shower cry.  Just being able to talk about it with J and be honest about my feelings has really helped…I don't internalize my emotions very well!  And last night during bath Jack looked at me and asked "I wrestle little brother?"  which melted my heart and then he proceeded to stand up and fart repeatedly while screaming out "I TOOTED, I TOOTED!!!!"  I was then reminded that boys are a whole lot of fun :) and my heart felt lighter.