Confession

I'm going taboo in this post but it's my blog and I'll over share if I want!  I need this outlet...

Flashback about 6 weeks ago…We are at our 12 week ultrasound, I take a leap and ask if they can tell a gender.  I know that this is SUPER early and nothing is guaranteed but when I was pregnant with Jack they said boy and 8 weeks later he was still a boy!  But this time the tech says "I'm 90% sure this is  a girl!"  The tears instantly start flowing and I'm overcome with an emotion I never expected…I was overjoyed to become a mother to a little girl.

I had this weird feeling #2 was going to be a girl and now it was 90% confirmed.  I began imagining this whole new adventure we were going to embark on with our little girl.  We were going to end the "building our family" chapter of life with a little boy and a little girl to share the rest of our lives with.

With all that in mind, fast forward 6 weeks to Wednesday.  You can imagine my utter shock when I could quite clearly see without being told that our little girl was really a little boy.  Going into the appointment I KNEW that there was a good chance, about 50/50, that BV2 could end up being a boy.  I told J on the ride over "I just don't want to feel disappointed.  I don't want to feel that way about my baby."  So when we got back in the car after the appointment and I said "I'm disappointed", I immediately felt ashamed of myself.  I went to Macy's after the appointment to find a "Little Brother" shirt and as I walked through the little girls clothing it took everything I had not to break down into tears.

In the past I couldn't understand when others were disappointed by the gender of their heathy child and now I was that person.  Our son is completely healthy and that it the only thing I should be thinking, instead I feel like a spoiled child who isn't getting what she wants.  Life has thrown me a curveball and I was not prepared.  But the GUILT of having these feelings is actually so much greater than my disappointment and that is what has knocked me of kilter.  I never thought I could feel this way.  I didn't realize having a little girl was SO important to me until a few days ago.

The night we found out, I talked to my sister-in-law (mother of 3 boys) and she went through the same experience with her last pregnancy 9 years ago.  After she heard we were having another boy, she immediately reached out to ask if I was ok with this news. 

She understood.

And the best thing she said to me, that anyone could have said to me, was "It's ok to be sad.  And you have let those emotions out.  In order to move on, you have to grieve."  She wouldn't change a thing now and I know that someday I will feel the same.

The thought did cross my mind that we could have another baby someday but I don't want to "go for a girl".  If ever we decided to have another baby, I would want it to be because we want another baby…girl or boy.  I can't imagine feeling this way again.

Here I sit, 2 days later, feeling better.  I've had time to let it sink in and have a good shower cry.  Just being able to talk about it with J and be honest about my feelings has really helped…I don't internalize my emotions very well!  And last night during bath Jack looked at me and asked "I wrestle little brother?"  which melted my heart and then he proceeded to stand up and fart repeatedly while screaming out "I TOOTED, I TOOTED!!!!"  I was then reminded that boys are a whole lot of fun :) and my heart felt lighter.

IT'S A……..

18 Weeks and A Day for Moms

Happy Mother's Day!  We had a lovely and relaxing day.  J and J took me the Mother's Day brunch at the Brown Palace and it was wonderful!  Then we spent the day napping and hanging at home…couldn't ask for more :)

J and I don't usually make a big deal of birthdays and Christmas for each other but I told him that THIS day will always be important to me.  Being "Mom" is my number one priority.  I will be the first to admit that I am far from perfect and I often times faultier BUT it is my job every.single.day to make sure my baby(ies) knows that he is loved and protected.  It is my job to teach him while letting him learn for himself.  It is my job to make sure he sees joy, respect and communication in our marriage while showing him that mommy and daddy make mistakes too.  It is my job tell him I love him often while sometimes saying "no" just as frequently.  It is a never ending and some times thankless job but I know that it is the most import job I will ever do.  Some people may think I need to set my sights a little higher, dream bigger in terms of "job" but today and the foreseeable future this "job" suits me just fine.

On Friday, Jack had his first field day.  The school hosted a trike-a-thon to support St Jude.  It was a cute event to watch all of the little ones on their bikes and playing together (of course I cried as we walked together in the opening "parade").

At 18 weeks, I am feeling pretty good!  I have had a few dizzy spells and some nausea in the past week which leads me to believe that little bean is going through a growth spurt and I am doing a poor job at keep us both fed enough throughout the day.  I am still up only about 2 lb but I have a feeling that is about to change (as you can see, the bump has officially popped).  I've had some mild crapping and stretching and my belly button is getting shallow.  My body has reminded me in the past week "Hey you're about to get a whole lot bigger so you need to start being aware of your limitations!" 

We find out if bean is a he or she this week!!!  A little early but the next few weeks are packed and I was not waiting until 21 weeks!  Funny, in the beginning I truly did not want to know what we were going to have.

For the longest time I was absolutely positive it was going to be a girl (I had the same very strong feeling about Jack).  But Jackers keeps saying "brother" so now I'm thinking he may have a little sibling intuition!  A part of me is wishing for a girl (I NEVER thought I would say that!) but for selfish reasons.  I know in my heart a boy would be more fun for Jack.  Honestly, either way I will be happy.

Cheers to an exciting week!
Lindsey

Becoming A "Big Boy"

It's time for an update on chicken nugget (aka Jack).

In the past month he has discovered the joys of movies.  This is not a habit I am going to push but I must admit I LOVE having him just sit for 20 or 30 minutes…never thought I would see the day!  At first, he would mix it up quite a bit.  Put in Toy Story, change it to Shrek after 10 min and so on.  However over the last 10 days or so he has been on a Lorax kick (based on a Dr. Seuss book) and we will watch the entire movie two or three times a day.   I don't know which scenario is worse.

(Helping Daddy with a little yard work.)

In February,we took a step back from potty training.  It was becoming an everyday  battle and this is not something I want to fight with him about if he's not ready.  He still wears underwear at school and after talking to the teacher today, he is apparently doing pretty well at school in terms of minimal accidents.

Thomas the Train is yesterday's news, today it is trucks, tractors, dump trucks, oh my!  The boy loves trucks, or basically anything with wheels.  We have this book that only has pictures of excavators, bulldozers, loader, etc and we have to look at it for almost every bed/nap time.  He points to the pictures and says "Waz that?"  Recently we have turned the table and ask him to identify the pictures and from a  grader to a mini loader to a telescopic boom (yeah, I was really impressed when he pulled that one out today!!!) he knows them all.

(Just hanging out with my tractors, watching a movie!)

Jack successfully completed his first 2 days in his "BIG BOY" bed!!!  I am kind of in shock about how well he did and I could not be more proud of him.  Nap time he stayed in the bed and after about 5 minutes of crying he was out.  Bedtime didn't go as smoothly but after a book from dad, snuggles from mom, and then more snuggle from dad we didn't hear a peep out of him all night.  Day 2 = zero problems!  I'm expecting us to hit some bumps on this road but as I said I couldn't be more proud of him.  I am so excited for him but a little sad for myself.  Another milestone has come and gone in my baby's life.
  

(Reading books in his big boy bed.)

After returning from our trip, he just looked bigger to me…like he had grown up so much in 4 short days.  It occurred to me then that he's really not a baby anymore.  He's becoming this amazing little boy who puts 5 word sentences together, likes to wear hats and absolutely loves to be outside.  When we tell him we love him, he says "Love you too!"  And whenever you tell him it's time to go he says "2 minutes?"  He's a feisty little thing and that's what makes him Jack.

 Lindsey