Jack is getting to be that age where I am getting a lot of questions regarding when Baby V 2.0 is going to make an appearance. Truth be told there has been some talk about it between J and I and the jury is still out!
I am an only child and I have always felt like I am missing out on something special. The relationship and bond between siblings is just something I will never be able to fully understand. I look at siblings who don't talk much or just flat out hate each other and I wonder how that is possible! Granted personalitlies can collide but at the end of the day that someone is a part of you, a person with whom you closely shared your childhood with. I'm getting off subject here, point is I really want Jack to be a brother. I want to witness my children's relationship.
However, I am terrified. Not of being pregnant or L/D…the truth is, you really DO forget the ugly parts. I am afraid of what comes after. The part that no one warned me about or if they did I wasn't really listening.
After Jack arrived, my hormones were out.of.control. And that really scared me because I was in no way prepard for the spiraling feeling that consumed me. To be very blunt, it took me several weeks to really fall in love with Jack. Don't get me wrong, I instantly had this maternal instinct to protect and care for my baby but it took me sometime to fall madly in love. I was really ashamed by this for a long time but now I realize that I wasn't alone in my feelings, a lot of mothers have a similar experience.
I'm also scared of the stress. Life with Jack was far from easy for the first 6 months. He was colicky the first 11 weeks. Then he was getting up 5-7 time a night. At 9 months, he finally slept through the night for the first time. It is terrifying to think about how sleep deprived I was…I look back and truly don't know how I got through it.
And finally, having a newborn put a lot of stress on my marriage. I questioned my self and my spouse. We were not one of those couples that effortlessly entered into parenthood. I placed unfair expectations on J. We both struggled and at some point we stopped doing the one thing I was alway most proud of us for….we stopped communicating. But we never stopped loving each other and that is the thing that has lead us to work, every single day, on making our relationship a priority. We have come so far and I feel that we have found harmony and peace in our marriage again. Nonetheless, I can't help but be scared. Did we learned from our mistakes the first time around?
Despite all of my fears, I can't ignore the desire deep inside of me. It's like someone has turned on my "clock" again. But as a wife, mother, and woman, I realize that I need to weigh my wants versus my needs in order to decide what is best for the family I already have.
Lindsey
