Bracing For Impact

A girlfriend of mine commented on my last blog post.  She stated that she was sad I wasn't loving pregnancy they way I did with Jack.  Her words made me a little sad and mad at myself.  I am, by nature, pessimistic and sarcastic (not nesccessarily a winning pair of attributes) but her words made me stop and think "Am I putting to much bad juju out into the world?"

My blog, to me, is my outlet.  In life I have a tendency to over share and often forget to put on my filter (again not my most appreciated traits) and the words I share on this blog are no different.  Good, bad or otherwise I let it all hang out…well most of it, some things should remain tucked away in the privacy of my own snarky brain ;)

My instant reaction to her comment was "I'm not NOT loving this pregnancy."  Knock on wood, it's actually been super easy and I actually think my pregnant self is beautiful.  Then I dove deeper into my emotions and realized that I'm not letting myself enjoy being pregnant with BV2.  Why?  Confession time…I. Am. Scared. Shitless.

I am and have been suppressing the reality of our situation almost since day one, even though we made a very conscience decision to get pregnant.  After the initial excitement of finding out we were having another baby had faded, I started to remember how hard it was with Jack.  Eight weeks of a dreadfully colicky baby.  Months and months and months of practically no sleep.  The breakdown of communication and teamwork in my marriage.  I'm crying just thinking of this extremely stressful and trying time.

Life is full of ups and downs but this period was particularly hard for me.  And I am terrified of having to go through it again.  How do I deal with the stress of a newborn while having a very active and strong willed 2 year old?   Everyone says the second time around will be different but I'm not going to place all of my eggs in that basket just yet.  This would be the pessimistic side of me…I feel like I am bracing for impact, mentally preparing for the worst.  And that is the ugly truth.

Odds are this will likely be our last baby therefore my last pregnancy.  This chapter of my life is quickly coming to a close...makes you realize how fleeting life is.  So I know that I should be over the moon about welcoming our new son into our lives but my fear is getting the best of me.

However, I see that it is time for a change of attitude.  Yes, this is going to be hard, I have to accept that BUT we have something new on our side this time around….experience!!!  We found our way to the other side once before, I have to have faith we can do it again.

Lindsey

26 Weeks

(Ok I'm a week behind publishing because yesterday I actually hit 27 weeks, hello 3rd trimester!!!  #lifegetsintheway)

26 weeks and I have accomplished…nothing.  I stopped reading the "baby books" about 10+ weeks ago.  Birthing classes and birth plans, eh whatever will be will be.  The nursery is currently without a dresser, a chewed up crib I was going to fix and has basically become a catchall for random crap.  And baby boy is nameless with no possibilities in sight.

But every week I can feel him getting bigger and bigger.  Gentle nudges are now strong punches and the occasional hand/foot/knee/elbow can be felt sharply pressing against my hand (kind of creeps me out BTW).  He got the hiccups for the first time last night at 4 am.  At first I thought "Awe! I remember when Jack did this!" but 10 minutes later I was just annoyed that it was keeping me awake.

He's in there and he keeps reminding me throughout the day and night and it's a good thing because I would probably forget otherwise!

It just amazes me how the second time around is SO much different than the first.  Overall the bodily experience has been very similar to my pregnancy with Jack.  Heartburn, shortness of breath, hair loss, craving sweets but this time I am so much more tired.  Guessing it has something to do with the two year old I'm chasing around everyday.  But I rest when he naps and life is good.  Other than that, completely different experience.  The excitement of the unknown is lost after the first one.

I've given myself until 31 weeks to remain oblivious to this pregnancy.  At that point the hectic schedule of summer will be dying down and it is go-time for nesting.

So here are the highlight of 26 weeks:
*  Sleeping sucks.  As I tossed and turned the other night J looked at me and said "You always look so uncomfortable." Ya think!  I miss sleeping on my stomach and not having to need a halo of pillows around me.
*  Frequent urination.  This has actually not been a problem until recently.  Last night I got up 3 times :(
*  Dizziness, shortness of breath and dehydration.
*  Up 9lbs…yay.
* Restless leg
* Lots of Braxton Hicks contractions

I know from this point on the one thing I will struggle with the most is that fact that I am now physically limited.  This is very frustrating for me.  The shortness of breath and dizziness (get this, occurs even when I'm just sitting down!) make me feel helpless.  And picking Jack up is really getting difficult, thankfully he's a small fry or else it would be completely out of the question.

I really can't complain too much because I know that it could be so much worse.  I'm not "over" pregnancy yet but I see it looming on the horizon.

Lindsey