On Friday, December 14, 2012, the news came in early and only grew worse as the hours passed. 20 children (all only 6 and 7 years old) and six teachers were shot and killed in an elementary school in Connecticut. 26 lost and gone forever.
I want to be angry. I want to have a reason, something to blame for this. But I know in my heart this is just the reality of our world. And I am even more sadden by the fact that we live in a country that may quiet possibly be incapable of change. At least change for the better. I have lost my hope.
Things like this seem to happen more and more frequently, hell it was only four months ago there was a mass shooting in my own community, but for some reason this one has hit me very hard. I can't help but mourn for the families of the 20 babies that were taken away just a week before Christmas. I can't imagine the pain they are experiencing at this moment. I have shed more tears in the past few days than I have in a very, very long time.
As a parent, I have learned that sometimes it seems like all I do is worry but the fact that I am going to have to worry every day that I send Jack to SCHOOL, just seems so unfair. It is becoming an ugly, hateful and scary world. I will do everything in my power to shelter and protect my sweet boy but it breaks my heart that this is the world that my son is going to have to grow up in.
Our second Halloween as a family of three was much more exciting than the previous year!
Jack was "Max" from the book Where The Wild Things Are. The costume I originally fell in love with was WAY too expensive so I went with the only other option on Amazon. When it arrived, I was terribly disappointed by its quality, almost embarrassed to put him in the cheap costume. However, a week before Halloween I stopped by Pottery Barn (where I had found the original costume) and it was marked down 50%…..and the one I picked up was the last one AND his size! The karma gods were smiling on me that day :)
The final result was AMAZING!!!
A few days before Halloween, I made him wear the hat where ever we went (he's really into hats but very particular about them!) So when the big day came he was all about his "Halloween Hat".
(Before he would allow the "Halloween Hat")
We just went up and down the block and met a bunch of new neighbors. Jack was AWESOME! I was very surprised with his eagerness. Whenever we passed a house without its lights on he would get upset and every candy bowl that was placed in his reach was attacked by his furry little hands. It was very cute :)
Jack is getting to be that age where I am getting a lot of questions regarding when Baby V 2.0 is going to make an appearance. Truth be told there has been some talk about it between J and I and the jury is still out!
I am an only child and I have always felt like I am missing out on something special. The relationship and bond between siblings is just something I will never be able to fully understand. I look at siblings who don't talk much or just flat out hate each other and I wonder how that is possible! Granted personalitlies can collide but at the end of the day that someone is a part of you, a person with whom you closely shared your childhood with. I'm getting off subject here, point is I really want Jack to be a brother. I want to witness my children's relationship.
However, I am terrified. Not of being pregnant or L/D…the truth is, you really DO forget the ugly parts. I am afraid of what comes after. The part that no one warned me about or if they did I wasn't really listening.
After Jack arrived, my hormones were out.of.control. And that really scared me because I was in no way prepard for the spiraling feeling that consumed me. To be very blunt, it took me several weeks to really fall in love with Jack. Don't get me wrong, I instantly had this maternal instinct to protect and care for my baby but it took me sometime to fall madly in love. I was really ashamed by this for a long time but now I realize that I wasn't alone in my feelings, a lot of mothers have a similar experience.
I'm also scared of the stress. Life with Jack was far from easy for the first 6 months. He was colicky the first 11 weeks. Then he was getting up 5-7 time a night. At 9 months, he finally slept through the night for the first time. It is terrifying to think about how sleep deprived I was…I look back and truly don't know how I got through it.
And finally, having a newborn put a lot of stress on my marriage. I questioned my self and my spouse. We were not one of those couples that effortlessly entered into parenthood. I placed unfair expectations on J. We both struggled and at some point we stopped doing the one thing I was alway most proud of us for….we stopped communicating. But we never stopped loving each other and that is the thing that has lead us to work, every single day, on making our relationship a priority. We have come so far and I feel that we have found harmony and peace in our marriage again. Nonetheless, I can't help but be scared. Did we learned from our mistakes the first time around?
Despite all of my fears, I can't ignore the desire deep inside of me. It's like someone has turned on my "clock" again. But as a wife, mother, and woman, I realize that I need to weigh my wants versus my needs in order to decide what is best for the family I already have.
Jack is constantly keeping us on our toes. His little personality is really starting to emerge and some days I just sit and watch him with complete awe. I feel incredibly fortunate to be able to watch this amazing little person discover the world.
Jack's vocabulary has really taken off in the past two weeks and he is communicating so well with us through words and signs. One, not so welcome, addition to his vocabulary "MINE!" He picked up this nasty little habit in "school" and everything is now "MINE!"
Parenthood is not all smiles and sweet kisses (at least not in this house). Jack challenges me and my patience AT LEAST once a day! He has a mind of his own and definitely likes to test the boundaries. Nonetheless, I wouldn't trade this time with him for anything. I know that through all of the ups and downs having him in my life challenges me to grow and learn as an individual.
He fills my heart with an indescribable love and fullness.
Jack's favorite things:
* ANYTHING related to cleaning (hmmm wonder where he picked this up!?!). My dad bought him this little vacuum and it has been the best gift ever. Jack loves to vacuum! When we use the big vacuum he likes to take turns with me and when I am done he gets VERY upset when I turn it off.
Everytime we go outside he brings the broom over to me so that I can sweep. Again, if I don't obligie he gets very mad at me. The kid likes to watch me clean!
*Buttons, switches and knobs.
* His "goods". Jack, I hope you read this some day and you become embarrased that I put this in writing because this has been a very frustereating battle to fight against you!
* Blocks
* Books (YAY!) Particularly, Where The Wild Things Are. We have to read this book at every bedtime and nap. I will start with another book and when he is almost done with his milk, he pushes the book down and points to Wild Things.
* Milk
* My right boob. Who needs a blanket for security?
* "Cooking"
* Song- The Lumineers "Ho Hey" as shown below ;)
At his 18 month doctors appointment, we recieved some very exciting news! Jack is finally on the curve when it comes to his growth :). We have always been a little concerned about his growth as he has continued to be on the small side. But he is now 22 lbs 8 oz which puts him at the 10% (up from the 2% at 12 months!). Height is 31 3/4 in (40%) and head is 19 (50%).
As my grandfather would have said, "Keep doing what your doing, Jack," because these past 18 months have been wonderfully rewarding!
When we lived in our old house (Peakview) there were some projects we really wanted to do but never got around to it (I think our hearts were never really in that house). When we decided to move, we knew that we needed a house that needed minimal work. We were finally honest with ourselves…we are NOT project people.
Our new home (Kearney) is in a way our dream home. It is not perfect but it has sooooo much charm of an older home (it was built in 1929) and that is what we love. There were a few small projects that needed to be done and I'm happy to say we just completed our first! (Disclaimer: we did not tackle this ourselves!)
The before kitchen had a lot going on and nothing flowed together. I knew that we didn't have to do a total overhaul (thankfully!) and a new backsplash and paint would take the kitchen a loooooong way. I'm happy to report that it turned out exactly as I had envisioned and we (thankfully "we") think it looks wonderful!!!
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It's funny…when we were looking at the house I thought to myself "that stove is going to be one of the first things to go!" But it works amazingly and I think it looks great in the new kitchen. Whew! One less thing to buy :)
Justin just called me to tell me that Jack did not cry at drop off this morning. YAY!!! The first two weeks, he would howl but this week it has progressively become less traumatizing (for Jack and Justin). And today….no more tears!!!
Every morning this week, while Justin is carrying him out to the car, Jack would look back at me and say "bye bye" over and over. Melt. My. Heart.
He's smart. He knows where he's going. And in the mornings when he says "bye bye" to me it makes me feel great because he's not scared. He's ok leaving me. In fact, Justin told me that he even seems excited heading to class.
Yesterday, I took Jack swimming. He was playing with a ball in the shallows when a little girl (maybe 3) entered the pool. He immediate waded over to her and gave her the ball…she wasn't interested but he persisted! My heart swelled with pride because 3 weeks ago he would have gone to this little girl, pushed her over, and swam away again with his ball. Progress!!!
It was a hard and long discussed decision to put Jack in "school" but this week has totally reassured me that it was the right choice. He is learning to play with peers. He is learning that "Mommy and Daddy will come back." He is learning independence.
I know there was talk behind closed doors as to whether or not our decision was a good one. And this morning I can't help but mentally stick my tongue out at the naysayers ;)
(Grill Master Jack ;-))
(The boy LOVES to clean…this makes Mama very happy!)
Monday was Jack's first day of "school". It's a very big bag of mixed emotions for me. I KNOW in my heart that this is the right thing for him. I am a believer in socializing children from a young age, I guess I'm just in shock that the time has come already for my baby.
He will be attending a Montessori school 3 days a week from 8 to noon. It is more time than I initially wanted to have him in the program but it was the only space that was available. This is a good thing, this is a good thing…my new mantra!
I had a bit of a meltdown the night before he started. This person has been attached to me every single day (except for 4!) for the past 17 months. It was going to be an adjustment for him AND me. I was also feeling a guilty because I was really looking forward to having some time to myself. (Side note: What is it about being a mom that make you feel guilty AT LEAST once a day?!) I kept beating myself down by having the internal argument "You're a stay at home mom, this is your JOB!" "You're a bad Mom, buck up!" "You are being selfish for needing (wanting) time for yourself."
Now that "school" has started and he seems to be doing good, I am getting better at telling that nasty part of myself to shut the hell up!
He has been doing great, except for a few tears at drop off time. The teachers have said that he is doing really well with the other kids (thanks goodness! He has been having some problems with hitting) and he seems to be enjoying himself and when we left the class today he looked back at a little boy, waved and said "bye bye".
When I walked in today, he was busy playing so he didn't see me and when I finally got his attention he gave me the most wonderful, heart-melting greeting I have EVER received in my life. His eyes instantly lit up, a huge smile graced his beautiful face, he jumped up and cried "Mama!" He jumped into my lap, gave me a big, lingering hug and then gave me a kiss. He just kept looking a me like I wasn't real and he was so happy to be in my arms. I almost burst out crying right there on the floor. One of my happiest mommy moments!
