Losing Myself

May 2017

The clichés about the third pregnancy are seemingly true.  The thrill is gone.  There is no great fan fare from those around you.  Pregnancy flies by beacuse you are so busy dealing with the other two little people in your life and you hardly think about clothes and the nursery or the other newborn newonces that you obsessed about with your first.

As I did with my other pregnancies, I am enjoying feeling him bump around inside of me.  But this time I'm really trying to absorb the memory of the sensation because I know this will be the last time.  This season of my life is coming to a close.   But other than that, I don't let myself think about the future much.  I've still got 10 weeks to go so this may change, but I'm in no rush to get this boy out of me.

Truth be told, I'm terrified.

I know I'm about to lose myself and based on my previous experiences into new motherhood I'm guessing it will take about a year to start to find myself again.

Who I am at my core began her hibernation in November and won't return until the beautiful but restricting days of breastfeeding are over and I can finally reclaim my body as my own again.  Not until that day, will I slowly start to feel like Lindsey again.

With experience comes knowledge and knowledge is power. Or in the case of motherhood, knowledge can make you feel powerless.  I'm more aware this time around of what is in store for me in just a few short months.  Sleepless nights, feeling like I've been hit by a truck as my body repairs itself, the stress of hearing a newborn cry, trying to keep my big boys happy (and the guilt when I fail), the anxiety that will creep up on me daily when I look around and see my house is disaster.  Who knows what damage I will do to my older boys when the beast that is hormonal, angry, impatient, sleep deprived Lindsey rears her ugly unkempt head.  Hopefully they are still young enough to forgive and forget.

And my poor husband.  I know he can weather the storm as he already has but he will probably bear the brunt of my wrath.  Somewhere down the road, we will have to find our way back to each other as we have before.  He will have to forgive me and I will have to forgive him.  Our love will be different.  Our relationship with be forever changed.  However, we have experience on our side so I am optimistic that we can come out the other side stronger...fingers crossed!

This is why I'm terrified.  The life I know right now is quickly coming to an end.  We are about to become a family of five which means we will all have to adjust to a new normal.  If experience has taught me anything, the transition is going to be brutal but the dust will settle and I will be stronger and better afterward.

L