My blog, to me, is my outlet. In life I have a tendency to over share and often forget to put on my filter (again not my most appreciated traits) and the words I share on this blog are no different. Good, bad or otherwise I let it all hang out…well most of it, some things should remain tucked away in the privacy of my own snarky brain ;)
My instant reaction to her comment was "I'm not NOT loving this pregnancy." Knock on wood, it's actually been super easy and I actually think my pregnant self is beautiful. Then I dove deeper into my emotions and realized that I'm not letting myself enjoy being pregnant with BV2. Why? Confession time…I. Am. Scared. Shitless.
I am and have been suppressing the reality of our situation almost since day one, even though we made a very conscience decision to get pregnant. After the initial excitement of finding out we were having another baby had faded, I started to remember how hard it was with Jack. Eight weeks of a dreadfully colicky baby. Months and months and months of practically no sleep. The breakdown of communication and teamwork in my marriage. I'm crying just thinking of this extremely stressful and trying time.
Life is full of ups and downs but this period was particularly hard for me. And I am terrified of having to go through it again. How do I deal with the stress of a newborn while having a very active and strong willed 2 year old? Everyone says the second time around will be different but I'm not going to place all of my eggs in that basket just yet. This would be the pessimistic side of me…I feel like I am bracing for impact, mentally preparing for the worst. And that is the ugly truth.
Odds are this will likely be our last baby therefore my last pregnancy. This chapter of my life is quickly coming to a close...makes you realize how fleeting life is. So I know that I should be over the moon about welcoming our new son into our lives but my fear is getting the best of me.However, I see that it is time for a change of attitude. Yes, this is going to be hard, I have to accept that BUT we have something new on our side this time around….experience!!! We found our way to the other side once before, I have to have faith we can do it again.
Lindsey
Put my foot in my mouth eh? :-/ I LOVE your honesty in your blog. It motivates me to be more open & honest in my own. I should have chosen my words more wisely...I know this pregnancy is different then the 1st, but I fully understand different isn't always bad! As for the first few months w/BV2...I've had my fingers crossed for you since the day you told me...you've got this :)
ReplyDeleteCan't wait to see you and the boys next week! xoxoxoxo
Lindsey I love reading your updates! I don't like sugar coated...I like real and real needs to be embraced. Doesn't mean we don't challenge ourselves to push through our struggles, it just means we recognize ourselves right where we are, are honest with ourselves, embrace the real and choose to move forward sometimes even when we don't want to.
ReplyDeleteI've had similar fears...Abbie was a good sleeper for us and not colicky but I have my own list of fears...my pregnancy was hard. I was nauseous almost 247 until the day I gave birth, and had sciatica and severe lower back pain from about 17 weeks on. I'm not scared to have a newborn. I'm scared to be pregnant. I hear ya girl....and you handled Jack like a champ. And you are right...you have experience and someday some unsuspecting mom is going to come along whose newborn is giving her one hell of a fight and you'll give her a reassuring smile that says "I've been there. It will be over soon I promise." And your own fight...in that moment makes it worth it, because she know that you've been in the trenches too, and your story of your battle will help encourage some other new mama.
I can't wait to see pictures of all the new babies coming our way soon! You're gonna be awesome, and when we have baby 2.0, and he or she is colicky...I'll know exactly who to call :)