Jack is getting to be that age where I am getting a lot of questions regarding when Baby V 2.0 is going to make an appearance. Truth be told there has been some talk about it between J and I and the jury is still out!
I am an only child and I have always felt like I am missing out on something special. The relationship and bond between siblings is just something I will never be able to fully understand. I look at siblings who don't talk much or just flat out hate each other and I wonder how that is possible! Granted personalitlies can collide but at the end of the day that someone is a part of you, a person with whom you closely shared your childhood with. I'm getting off subject here, point is I really want Jack to be a brother. I want to witness my children's relationship.
However, I am terrified. Not of being pregnant or L/D…the truth is, you really DO forget the ugly parts. I am afraid of what comes after. The part that no one warned me about or if they did I wasn't really listening.
After Jack arrived, my hormones were out.of.control. And that really scared me because I was in no way prepard for the spiraling feeling that consumed me. To be very blunt, it took me several weeks to really fall in love with Jack. Don't get me wrong, I instantly had this maternal instinct to protect and care for my baby but it took me sometime to fall madly in love. I was really ashamed by this for a long time but now I realize that I wasn't alone in my feelings, a lot of mothers have a similar experience.
I'm also scared of the stress. Life with Jack was far from easy for the first 6 months. He was colicky the first 11 weeks. Then he was getting up 5-7 time a night. At 9 months, he finally slept through the night for the first time. It is terrifying to think about how sleep deprived I was…I look back and truly don't know how I got through it.
And finally, having a newborn put a lot of stress on my marriage. I questioned my self and my spouse. We were not one of those couples that effortlessly entered into parenthood. I placed unfair expectations on J. We both struggled and at some point we stopped doing the one thing I was alway most proud of us for….we stopped communicating. But we never stopped loving each other and that is the thing that has lead us to work, every single day, on making our relationship a priority. We have come so far and I feel that we have found harmony and peace in our marriage again. Nonetheless, I can't help but be scared. Did we learned from our mistakes the first time around?
Despite all of my fears, I can't ignore the desire deep inside of me. It's like someone has turned on my "clock" again. But as a wife, mother, and woman, I realize that I need to weigh my wants versus my needs in order to decide what is best for the family I already have.
Lindsey
You've done an amazing job raising Jack & figuring out this whole adult/marriage/mother thing ...don't second guess yourself! When it comes to baby #2 go with your gut. I'm sure it's overwhelming to think about having Jack running around while you're raising an infant, but you've learned so much from him - you have experience you didn't have before! You now know putting down your colicky baby to save your sanity doesn't make you a bad mom, you know how to communicate better with Justin through postpartum emotions (and Justin with you), and you know how rewarding it is to look back and realize you survived all of it! It's going to be hard...so wait if you want...or don't. No matter what you decide do it for you & Justin & Jack...nobody else :) Miss you xoxo
ReplyDeleteOh Linds I so hear ya! I think every experience as a parent is different yet we can all find common ground in our joys and struggles too. Thank you for being real and sharing what other people need to hear too to know that they aren't alone! There is no hurry and God only knows your when and your if ever. Nothing ever is lined up perfectly how we want it to be when we start a family. We still want to wait for a bit too and Abbie was even a good sleeper....I have my own set of reasons, the last month of miserable pregnancy is still fresh in my mind for some reason though L and D didn't bother me either. You are an amazing wife and mother Lindsey. When the time comes and if it does come again you learn from your mistakes, you make set date nights, you get a babysitter even when you don't want to and communicate with your hubby...just you and him! It will be different next time and who knows maybe the next one will come out sleeping through the night almost from the beginning :) If not, then I think some hired help whom you provide with ear plugs would be a great investment and most likely should belong on every moms baby registry! No worries of me asking you when #2 is coming....cause then I'd have to hear it right back from you!
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